Palpatine's New Groove
by Some Nerds Have a Podcast
Summary: Rey hears the steamy tale of the night her grandparent's met.


Kylo Ren and Rey fell to the cave floor defeated, looking up at the great emperor terrified of what was to come.

"So I'm a Palpatine?"

"Yes you are my granddaughter?"

"So did I have a grandmum or is this a force child situation?"

"Oh you had a grandmother"

"What does that mean?" A rush of recognition flooded Kylo's face

"Oh no…" tears began to fill Rey's eyes.

"Yes I had sex" the emperor announced in a cracking voice

"Why is everyone so uncomfortable with me talking about sex? I've had sex" Palpatine moaned.

"But what was my grandmum like?"

"Well it was a long time ago"

*play the opening star wars theme*

It was late and Palpatine needed to blow off some steam from announcing "order 66" and the murder of all the Jedis. That son of bitch Anakin was probably wiping the floor with some youngling blood right about now. That asshole Mace Windu had completely ruined his face. But Palpy could still get it. He could still have sex. Palpatine put on his best cargo shorts, finest hawaiin shirt, and his favorite Berkinstocks. Before he left his apartment he sprayed himself down with Axe body-spray and put on his ladder sunglasses, his hater blockers. He took one last look at himself in the mirror approving of his appearance. Yeah, Palpy was ready to get out there and get it.

Palpatine soon found himself on the seedier side of Coruscant at his preferred nightclub. Thursdays were Karaoke nights, the best nights obviously for an overworked junior senator turned supreme leader to blow off steam in cognito. He slipped a few bills to the DJ so he could take the next turn at the karaoke machine.

"Alright, alright, next up on the mic is Steve Balpatine singing a straight classic"

"Thanks DJ Max Reboo. Alright everyone get hyped because this is my jam. I'm going to sing this in honor of our new supreme leader, Emperor Palpatine" Palpatine grasped the mic firmly with both hands, this was his night to rock it.

"Go Palpy, It's your birthday We gon' party like it's yo birthday We gon' sip Bacardi like it's your birthday And you know we don't give a fuck It's not your birthday!"

Palpatine finished his rap to thunderous applause. Probably because his bodyguards were standing nonchalantly in the back of the nightclub.

"Let's give another round of applause to Emperor- I mean Steve Balpatine, normal guy Steve Balpatine"

Palpatine left the spotlight and made his way to the bar. Just then a gorgeous woman with legs for two-sunned days, ran into him spilling her 20 credits cocktail all over his favorite cargo shorts.

"Nooooo Noooo!" Palpatine groaned.

"Oh my god I'm so sorry" the mystery woman cooed.

Palpatine was struck by her sparkling eyes and dark hair. She was exactly the reason that he came out to the club.

"Can I get you something? I feel just awful! Can I get you a drink? The name's Devclar by the way"

"Nooo Nooo I'll do it my dear." Palpatine brought her over to the bar. "Two Tatooine Sunrises barkeep. No worries, I uhh got a promotion today at work"

_No shit _Devclar thought to herself. It was known that Emperor Palpatine frequented this bar in a shitty disguise and his what did call them? Oh yes, hater blockers. But seeing how the Jedi headquarters were soaked in youngling blood because the chosen psychopath's murder spree, it made sense to hitch her wagon to the juggernaut fascist. At least it was a way to get out of the slums.

Devclar feigned interest in "Steve's" stories about "work"

"Anyway that's when things really started to go off the rails with that asshole Mace… I mean Mark Windex"

"Oh he sounds just awful. I can't imagine anyone harming a hair on your precious head."

Palpatine wasn't sure if he was able to retain the ability to blush, but he did feel his molten skin flaps get hot with embarrassment.

"Hey, I hope you don't think this is forward but.." Palpatine stuttered.

"You want to get out of here?" Devclar said sparkling her eyes.

"Oh yes!"

Soon Palpatine and Devclar found themselves in the emperor's palatial penthouse gazing out at the dark Coruscant night. Devclar could get used to this. _I mean how long has he got left, his face was melted off by Mace Freaking Windu. Then there will be assassination attempts. I bet I'm just 3 years of handjobs away from freedom. _

"What a view, huh Devclar?"

"I've never seen anything like it" Devclar's voice dripped with sweetness as she put her arm around Palpatine and drew him close.

"Oh Devclar, can I tell you something? I'm not really fun loving work-a-day joe Steve Balpatine"

"Oh?"

"No I'm Emperor Palaptine, but if you don't hold that against it. I'd like to-"

"Shush you'll always be Steve to me"

Palpatine brought Devclar over to the bed.

"Oh, I don't have any protection on me"

"It's okay, I have some…. Just let me freshen up a little bit" Devclar went to the bathroom _Just three years and one kid that's all you gotta do Dev _she thought to herself as she poked two holes in the condom. She went back to the bedroom and tossed the condom to her awaiting… lover ugh….

"And then nine months later your father was born and the rest is history Rey."

Rey's stomach wretched. So her grandfather was the emperor and her grandmother was a shameless golddigger? She wanted to go back two and a half hours ago to when her parents were shiftless nobodies who sold her for drug money. Anything would be better than knowing the truth.


End file.
